Society implodes at the very suggestion of unsexy green M&Ms

Let the monster flag of green, loose M&M's fly.

They shamed the green M&M yesterday.

In arguably the most painful corporate rebranding since class war killed Mr. Peanut, the prude candies of Mars, Incorporated, announced Thursday their longtime M&M’s the mascots were getting an update to showcase their “nuanced personalities”, citing “the company’s global commitment to creating a world where everyone feels like they belong and society is inclusive.” One of the key changes to represent this important paradigm shift: making green a less monster sexpot by replacing her knee– tall go-go boots with white sneakers.

The other “feminine” M&Ms (Brown) also got a makeover, because apparently that’s what PR marketers are looking for these days.

The revamped mascot promo page understand fake group questions and answerss with the sweets, too, because we haven’t suffered enough. “I think we all win when we see more women in lead roles, so I’m happy to play the supportive friend role when they do well,” the g says.reen M&M.

The company, it should be noted, is not amused through the company’s decision not to make our milk chocolate candy pebbles sexy.

Don’t analyze this too much a lot, but tonally the marketing movement is everywhere. On the one hand, we have a confectionery company desperate to capitalize on the gradual cultural shifts and “awakening”. On the other hand, we have the insinuation that it’s better for everyone that an anthropomorphized M&M make peace with their past as a woman of the night.

“Any past transgressions that still haunt you?” she is “requested” on the site, because God is dead. His proud and honest response? “Nothing “haunts” me. My motto is “live, learn and move forward”.

We don’t have a sequel to offer for that, so let’s remind everyone of that 2001 ad in which a Hollywood stagehand accidentally breaks into a green M&M, then walks away with a goof while announcing his likely considering jerk off to a candy bag.

Truly, we as a nation have come so far.

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